the things that we take for granted can easily be taken away. your strength is always tested at your weakest moments. the ones who love us the most are often the toughest on us.
whenever things get hard, i try to escape. i try to run away to the farthest place away from everyone and all the chaos in this city. i used to love going to the lake during the summer time whenever i felt stressed out or, i needed that time away from what i had going on because for some reason, being by the water helps me think clearly.
anxiety doesn’t allow me to think clearly when things get chaotic. anxiety sucks. not being able to take control of your mind, sucks. having to pick yourself up the next morning after having a breakdown the night before, sucks. i haven’t spoken about my anxiety to a lot of my friends and family because i always figured that i’d find some way to deal with it on my own. one of the most unhealthiest things that i’ve done was try to depend on someone to help me through my anxiety when they had no capability of doing so. it’s not their fault. i just didn’t know any better.
i believed that as humans, we should help one another and if anyone knows me, they’ll know that i’m always around to help, no matter what the circumstance may be. i’ve always been the type to drop whatever and be there to support whomever, whenever. so, when i didn’t feel that same respect in return, when i had no one to turn to when my anxiety took a toll on me, it made me feel even worse. sometimes i needed advice, other times i just needed to be listened to. i was crying out for help with no way to receive it. i was allowing my anxiety to be an anchor in my life, when i have so much potential to be the best that i can be.
this weekend, i had a horrible anxiety attack. i’m proud to say that this weekend was the first weekend that i didn’t let myself fall into old habits, or wake up the next morning feeling worse than i did before. in moments of weakness, our strength is tested. i’ve accepted that i can’t allow the anxious feeling that i get to define me, or take control of me, or be that anchor in my life. i’ve cut ties with all the negative thoughts, emotions and people because i can’t control that.
Vincent, being the kind hearted, supportive and charismatic person that he is, made it his mission to ensure that i let go of what happened the night before and remind me how important it is to gain that peace of mind and find that happiness from within.
we did SO much today, but what I loved the most about it was being able to spontaneously go to Scarborough Bluff’s, which happens to be one of the first places we went to when we were fairly new to each other, and one of my past blog posts “Finding Serenity”.
he knew how much i love being by the water. but what he didn’t know that his presence made the experience better than it’s ever been. going to the water to clear my head is something that i usually do alone. having him there to talk about how i felt and gain focus of what’s important and what i need to let go of, is something that i will always cherish. sometimes, we need to pick ourselves up during rough times, and in due time, it’ll strengthen our character. however, having someone’s company to help you through a rough time, whether it’s a stranger or a loved one can affect someone more than you know.
i wanted to speak about this because i felt as though it may help someone or, help myself in the future when i look back at this. anxiety may feel like it’s taking control of you but, it’s not. you are in full control of your thoughts, emotions and your body. breathing is important. hearing what’s around you is important. touching things that are closest to you, are important. allow yourself to be in a safe, comfortable space and think about that one thing that makes you happy. hold onto that one thing that brings you peace and allow that to make you feel happiness from within.
stay breathing. stay calm. stay in control, love.